My Heart Ever Faithful: Frozen

   How do you write about a writer? How do you write about someone who shut you off? I've made a list of everything I could remember, wrote a 40-day death commemorative essay, written countless people individually about her. But you see, I might be like Anna, from Frozen, for having been duped by a Prince Hans but I relate to her most because she just couldn't understand why her sister who used to be her best friend just shut her off. But unlike Anna, I was not as persistent. The most I did was write despite not getting any response. Sadly, life is far from the happy-ever-after like the two sisters who eventually reunited. More than a decade passed but we never saw each other again.
   Feb 28,2014; My heart bled. I began to understand what it was like to mourn.  Countless nights when you just wake up and all you can think of is that "She's gone." Then the tears start falling again. It wasn't like the 1996 collapse of our friendship when my studies declined and I got sick(for someone who hardly succumbs to such and is a studious student it was bad). This time, everything that I thought was  frozen in time came back. All my emotions came  flooding in. It was like a Tsunami that overtook me and started tearing at my every limb." How could she do this to me again?! This is so unfair. "All those unanswered questions rushed back in. "Why did she have to cut me off from her life? What did I do to deserve such treatment? "
Remorse. Anger. Regret. Loss. Just that feeling of  emptiness and utter helplessness. "Why God?"  Elizabeth Browning wrote about The Art of Losing...but what is artistic about that??? It is the devastation of Losing. The incomparable feeling of emotional pain and anguish. I agree with Emily Dickinson that "Parting is all we know of heaven and all we need to know of hell." To be estranged. To have been broken.
     As I reflect on the word frozen, I think about frozen vegetables.As opposed to boiling them then refrigerating, freezing vegetables actually preserve the nutrients better. The "gift" of not knowing the cause for the break-up between the two sisters...why there was this wall between them, was more hurtful to Anna. Me, on the other hand, knowing why things happened didn't help either.
   I felt so unwanted, unloved, forsaken and totally abandoned. Sure, it made me into who I am today but it has marked me for life. Most of those who mean something to me eventually learn about her and how she influenced my life.
    As I recalled about the little I knew about her, I wondered whether I really came to know her. My memory of who she was to me was pushed aside, swept under the rug and thrown into the abyss of forgetfulness. But more than a dozen times when she was still alive she would visit me in dreams.   It was a constant reminder of a failed friendship. And for someone like me who prides herself of being a champion of true friendship (male or female) it was a heartbreak that kept crushing my very being. I would feel worthless, invaluable, disposable and utterly forgettable every time I would dream about her.
So why is this about me? Because to write about her is to write my story.  It is said that "Accident ruled every corner of the universe except the chambers of the human heart.” 
― David Guterson, Snow Falling on Cedars

It was an accident that fatally wounded her. But it was no accident that she became endeared to my heart. She had once explained to me that the reason Shakespeare's tragic love stories endure and why they are such great romance  is  because someone dies. The love never dies. 

There's no annulment. No nasty divorce. No child custody battle. 

Although I am not far from being guilt-free. Once I was able to rectify and ask for forgiveness from someone whose letters I tore away and returned. That was in grade school and it was not til 2008 that I was able to reconnect with the person I wronged(and he's still a friend). 

Do I wish for 5 more years? No, I only wish for a moment. To look into her eyes and see if there's something left of me. Because she was like a mirror. She reflected who I was. I saw parts of me I would never have realized if not for her.  She was my Reader's Digest, my radio and my journal. These days she would be comparable to being  my facebook, my android, and my eye glasses. 

   What was I to her? I once was "A Phantom of Delight" to her, her "Favorite Person" but was banished into obscurity. Oblivion. 

It is an exaggeration though because before she passed away she addressed me directly with my name when she corrected me that it has been 20 yrs since high school graduation and not 10. That was our only link, our e-group. I once unsubscribed from the first e-group via yahoo and was about to do the same...

   

Random Thoughts (Oct 2007)

I hold on to people. I never let go of them long after they’ve moved on so much in their lives that they can’t even remember who I am. Can I help it? A friend of mine kept saying let go and just move on. Yeah, must be why she’s been in so many relationships. Me? I’d keep on hanging on to someone even if it were probably better that I didn’t. I know in my mind that there are people you shouldn’t keep in your life since they will not help you. Or worse they will contribute to your decline. But I still hope against hope. Even in my dreams I see how stubborn I am about these things. There’s always a theme about being reunited to a long lost friend. Or it is just about being reconciled in general. But the truth is, sometimes dreams are better than reality. When I was in high school I mourned over a lost friendship. It gradually ended not because we fought but more because we had different worlds. I was in Makiling and at first we’d still talk about people we knew but then afterwards there just seemed to be nothing left there. Of course we had other common interests like our kittens, books, boys and such. Now, we have reconnected-thanks to friendster- but sure we’re both married now, we have daughters but I had lost that need for reconciliation or at least I feel like I wouldn’t feel any different if we never spoke to each other again. I still call her my “historical friend” since we’ve known each other since we were kids. I’m still glad that we keep in-touch. But I can’t fathom how sometimes people we’ve only known for a reason or maybe a season affect us. I had that kind of a friend when I came here in America. I blame my compulsion to be honest for having ruined our friendship. But then maybe I was just too young then (25?) and I expressed myself foolishly to someone who was probably 6-8 years my senior. But I still think that the punishment did not fit the crime. But then life goes on…I’m about to have another child. Maybe this is why I’m in a reflective mode. Even though I would like to keep a diary I can’t keep up. That was probably my escape. I would hide within my own words. Even in my journals I keep a certain portion in fear that someone might read it. I can’t trust people except maybe my parents. Yup, that’s really the reason why I came here to America, to be with my family. I’m just that type of person, someone who is rooted. It wasn’t until before I had to leave Michigan that I made real connections with people. Not the kind of connection business minded people think but more on a relational level. Sometimes it seems like keeping friends don’t matter anymore since it takes too much effort. But I just can’t help it. I believe that it is always important to have at least two people… three if you’re lucky whom you can be totally honest with. People whom you know you can trust and you know they have your best interest in mind. But it is just exasperating especially if I come to think of those I considered my closest friends back in Manila whom I hold dearest but I’ve hardly heard from since I left. I know some people are just not the letter writing type but then I am not a telephone talking type of person. I’ve had quite a few bad experiences and I still prefer the more unobtrusive way. Unfortunately, I tend to be more vocal when I write which means I say more than what I’d intended in contrast to speaking to someone in person. What am I trying to write? Nothing really. Just random thoughts about life in general. You see, even though at first glance the story of how I got married seems to be a veering away from what is expected of me. The bigger picture would tell otherwise. Maybe it wasn’t expected of me to be pregnant out of wedlock but being married is still something expected of me. I am still someone who follows instructions. I still like to plan things although now, with the influence of my husband, I am more flexible. I don’t get too upset anymore when things don’t go the way I want them to. I’m satisfied with just now. Sure my subconscious would disagree but hey, how important is it? Maybe, writing about things is about control. It gives me control over things I can’t control…hmmm…and the fact that I realize it gives me the upper hand.

Thoughts on a Saturday night (June 2008)

After another chat-splurging, I thought I’d be ready to sleep by now but found myself in deep thought about friendship. Glanced through Wikipedia : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friendship It still boggles my mind what friendship is. Obviously it’s some sort of relationship. I don’t like the way it was loosely defined to encompass so many levels of relationships. But should we even bother to differentiate? Yes, we should. We need clarity in everything and have boundaries. Or at least I need that. Do people still wonder why some friendships die? Or has the internet-based networking sites like facebook, friendster and myspace turned this ideal of friendship into some flimsy term? Who makes the rules anyway? We can argue that, but it still depends on how we use the term. Unfortunately we don’t have that luxury of even knowing our own terms most of the time. Within friendship there is love and within love there is friendship. There’s no question about why we make friends or why we stop being friends. I only question the manner we develop friendships these days and the way some people seemingly dispose friends or the term itself in an irreverent fashion. Sure, it’s easy to say I’m your friend or you’re my friend. But do we still know what it is to be…what it means to be? I thought that maybe if there was a site that says F4F, for friends for life then maybe we could have a site that makes it more exclusive. Should friendship be exclusive/ In a sense it should. But then that reminds me that there are “friends for- a reason, season and lifetime.” So why do I have Friendster, myspace and Facebook but when I need to talk to someone there seems to be nobody around that I can turn to? No one I can talk to? What has become of me? Have I lost the idealism and hopes I had once about friendship and friends for that matter? Have I been hurt too much that I’ve stopped being friends with myself? (Is it true that we have to be friends with ourselves before we can be true and honest friends with others?) Well, I have friendster for mostly pinoys…from people I know from most of my life to those who are more like acquaintances. Myspace, I keep because I like hearing new music from people here in the US and I have some of my cousins who are here in America. I have, most recently, Facebook more as a fresh look into networking/friendships. But I still find myself being more inclusive than I should. Why? I hate the idea of me asking someone to be my friend and being refused. I hate the fact that friendships come and go. “Forget the big ship, forget the small ship, but don’t forget our friendship.” Alas! We’ve all been guilty of forgetting our friendships. Funny how there has to be a friendship month. I guess we do forget… I’m just glad that somehow I’ve come to terms with learning to make family as friends-- parents, siblings, children, and all our relatives. It’s such a vast mining ground for deep friendships that we all need. “Do I know you?” That question which we can answer in so many ways defines our friendships-- even those we may have forgotten or forsaken. It is not “What can you do for me?” nor is it “Why do I like you?” or “What do we have in common?” Even if these questions help gauge the authenticity or validity of the current relationship, I still tend to adhere to the definition of respect. Re-spect- it is when we care enough to see the other person again. It tells us a lot when someone tells you that they don’t want to see you again. On the other hand it is even telling when we decide who we want to see again. “I will come again and receive you unto Myself, that where I am there will you be.” What a friend we have in Jesus indeed! Family, friends and even lovers will disappoint us but Jesus is The friend of all friends. Do we even realize how much that means when we’re told that we’re no longer slaves but friends? There’s no need for phone calls or text messaging or even chat…how eager are we to meet this Friend of ours? I can give myself a sermon on how I have neglected the most important Person…but I know that I will never be left out of God’s presence. I think that most people will say how hard it is when we can’t see the other person…that is why I believe that God has brought people in our lives to remind us of His/Her presence. We are blessed when we have people in our lives that we call friends and they not only feed our social appetite but the spiritual part that always hungers and thirsts. I’ve gotten over the “need to be needed” after being married and having kids. I’m starting to begin learning to seek what I need in my life. I might get distracted with everyday life but I know and am very conscious now about this desire…not to be needed but to need friends who know how to nurture me and help me grow in all aspects of life. We say that we learn from others but like books, there are some who are more like a telephone directory, a magazine, maybe some are like Reader’s Digest, or something you get only when you’re on a plane, and there are others who are “limited edition” of well-loved classic books (too expensive to have around). What kind of friend are you? I’d like to be a friend to all but I’d like most of all to be a good friend to my children one day. I want them to know that whatever happens in life I will always want to see them and spend time with them. Don’t you just love how God is also our parent? Ok…I think I just had too much sweets today…iFriend You! If I didn’t make any sense I guess it’s all because I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed communicating with adults and not just interacting with my kids…no matter how cute they are.